Former Bagholder Pens "Hands Off My Lambo" Memo, Now Runs DOJ

Todd Blanche is now the acting Attorney General of the United States, which is either a plot twist or the final boss level of regulatory capture—we’re still waiting on the loading screen. President Trump announced Thursday that Blanche, previously deputy attorney general, would step into the top cop role following Pam Bondi’s exit. Whether this elevates the rule of law or just the rule of hold, remains to be seen.

Blanche brings a résumé that reads like a crypto Twitter bingo card: he represented Trump in the New York criminal hellscape, survived the ordeal, and was promptly promoted to deputy AG when Trump reclaimed the throne. Then, in a move that sent shivers through the DOJ’s compliance team and cheers through the degen Telegrams, he disbanded the National Cryptocurrency Enforcement Team—because apparently, chasing mixers is so 2024. He followed it up with a four-page memo telling prosecutors to stop treating crypto like a crime scene and more like a slightly sketchy tech sector.

That memo didn’t just whisper through the federal corridors—it body-slammed the Southern District of New York’s case against Tornado Cash dev Roman Storm. Prosecutors, suddenly remembering they work for someone, dropped a charge against Storm, citing Blanche’s new “chill out” policy. Storm still got nailed on another count and faces a retrial on two more charges later this year, but at least one fewer prosecutor is now sweating over whether privacy tools count as money laundering.

Here’s the spicy part, though—hold onto your seed phrases.

According to Blanche’s July 10, 2025 government ethics disclosure—filed with the enthusiasm of someone submitting a tax return—he transferred his entire crypto portfolio to his kids and a grandchild. We’re talking Bitcoin, Solana, and Ethereum—assets now safely tucked into a family trust that probably has a better rebalancing strategy than most hedge funds. The form casually name-dropped prior holdings in Polygon, Quant, and Coinbase stock, like it was just another Tuesday at the CoinMarketCap casino.

But ProPublica dug deeper and found the plot has layers—like a poorly audited smart contract. When Blanche signed that “please don’t harass the devs” memo, he was still sitting on $159,000 to $485,000 worth of crypto. That’s not just a position—it’s a conviction. And while there’s no rule against being a bagholder in government, there is a rule against looking like you’re shaping policy to protect your bags. Oops.