Stone Age Returns: Bitcoin Tumbles Below $67K as 'Strategic Objectives' Suffer Another Delay

President Donald Trump delivered his first prime-time address on the Iran war Wednesday, telling the nation that "core strategic objectives are nearing completion" before promising to escalate. Oil was falling when Trump started talking. It was up 5% by the time he stopped — and that tells the whole story.

Markets expected peace. They got 'Stone Ages.' What a time to be alive.

"We're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks," Trump said. "We're going to bring them back to the Stone Ages, where they belong."

The speech lasted 19 minutes. It contained no new information, no timeline to end the war, and no plan to reopen the Strait of Hormuz. Markets had spent two days rallying on hopes that Trump would announce an off-ramp. Instead, he promised more bombs. Hope you diversified into canned goods, folks.

Brent crude surged 5% to above $106 per barrel. West Texas Intermediate jumped 4.1% to $104. The S&P 500 futures fell 1.1%. European futures dropped 1.5%. Gold lost 1.4% to $4,691 per ounce. Silver fell 3%. The 10-year Treasury yield climbed to 4.36%.

Bitcoin dropped from an intraday high of $69,135 to $66,818, a 3.3% decline. Ethereum fell 2.8% to $2,084. The entire two-day relief rally in crypto evaporated in a single evening. So much for that "we're so back" energy.

Asia took the hardest hit. South Korea's KOSPI fell 3.5%, the worst performer in the region. Japan's Nikkei lost 1.8%. Hong Kong's Hang Seng dropped about 1%.

Trump said the Strait of Hormuz would "open up naturally" once the war ends. He urged oil-importing nations to "build some delayed courage" and secure the waterway themselves. He did not explain how or when that might happen. Somewhere, a crypto dev is thinking: this is basically just launching without a mainnet.

Hours earlier, at a White House Easter lunch, Trump was more blunt. He said the US could