Trump Orders TACO Instead of Tomahawks: Bitcoin Surges to $72K as Iran Ceasefire Pumps the Market

Bitcoin showed off its gains like a degen at a family reunion Wednesday morning, casually strolling past $72,379 after President Trump announced a two-week conditional ceasefire with Iran. The leading crypto is currently vibing around $71,610, up a respectable 3.5% in the past 24 hours, according to CoinGecko data. Nothing says "world peace" quite like your portfolio going green.

The relief rally came with a body count. Over $425 million in short positions got absolutely vaporized, while another $170 million in longs joined them in the great celestial void, per CoinGlass data. Altcoins caught the updraft too—Zcash, LayerZero, and Ethena all flexed double-digit gains like they were made of something stronger than vibes.

Traditional markets also decided to stop being dramatic for once. The S&P 500 mooned 3.6% to $6,838, though it's still playing hard to get below its $7,043 all-time high. Japan's Nikkei and South Korea's KOSPI decided to join the group chat. Meanwhile, U.S. oil took an ugly 22% nosedive, sliding from over $117 per barrel down to $91—because apparently, nothing kills oil prices faster than not blowing things up.

The terms of this whole theater: Trump agreed to "suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks" if Iran agrees to the "COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz," per his TruthSocial post. Iran and Oman can now collect tolls on ships passing through, with proceeds funding reconstruction. How generous of them to let global trade exist, one might say, if one were feeling cynical.

Critics wasted no time slapping the "TACO" label on this diplomatic masterpiece—"Trump Always Chickens Out"—especially after he previously warned that "a whole civilization will die tonight" unless the Strait reopened. The 8 p.m. ET deadline came and went like a dud candle on a birthday cake nobody wanted to attend.

"The pause provides fragile breathing room after weeks of escalation, but skepticism remains high over whether it will hold beyond two weeks," Andri Fauzan Adziima, research lead at Bitrue, told Decrypt. "This thing could collapse faster than a 2022 DAO treasury."

"The ceasefire opens the hatch for better global crypto adoption—especially stablecoins—and a potential sharp market-wide rise," Maksym Sakharov, co-founder and CEO of WeFi, added. Optimism: unlocked.

For those keeping score at home: the ceasefire doesn't cover Lebanon, where Israeli air strikes continue. So, you know, partial victory. We'll take our victories where we can get them in this space.

"Better TACO Tuesday than World War III," Adziima noted, echoing a sentiment that delivers "immediate relief but leaves core issues unresolved." Words to live by in both geopolitics and crypto.

Prediction markets are feeling suspiciously optimistic. Users on Myriad now assign a 55% probability to Bitcoin rallying to $84,000 next (up from 43% before the ceasefire) and an 88% chance that Strait of Hormuz ship traffic returns above 15 before May (