Your Pad Thai's Here—And So Are the Wrench Men: DoorDash-Fueled Crypto Attack Ring Busted

Three suspects have been charged in connection with a crypto wrench attack ring that apparently had a taste for food delivery apps, according to reporting from the San Francisco Chronicle. Apparently, these degenerates decided that the best way to get BTC was to first get the victim's Thai food order and use it as a Trojan horse. Bold strategy, cotton.

Police believe the three men are part of a larger operation responsible for multiple similar crimes. Their technique was straightforward: identify a major cryptocurrency holder, research their habits through surveillance, then strike. Think of it as doxxing meets market research, but with significantly worse consequences for all parties involved.

As one detective explained to the Chronicle: "They figure out your trends, your life cycle, what do you normally order online, what do you normally order for takeout?" That's right, folks—your DoorDash order history is now a security vulnerability. Time to finally switch to cash-only for the late-night munchies.

The criminals would attempt to gain access to accounts—in one victim's case, their DoorDash and Uber Eats profiles. They'd then create a fake delivery, meet the victim at the door, and threaten them. Old-fashioned intimidation meets modern convenience economy. Nothing says "web3 adoption" like having some guy in a delivery driver's hat show up at your doorstep with ill intentions and your pad thai as cover.

Wrench attacks are an inherent risk of cryptocurrency's censorship-resistant transfers and pseudonymous nature. These attacks don't try to bypass cryptographic security; they go straight for the human holding the keys. Kidnappings and extortion have become an international problem for crypto holders and firms. The irony of unbreakable encryption meeting very breakable human skulls is not lost on anyone.

Game developer Sillytuna lost $24 million in a UK wrench attack. French firm Waltioand Ledger co-founder David Balland have also been targeted. France has apparently become something of a hub for this activity. At this rate, the only safe place to hold crypto might be inside a concrete bunker with no DoorDash coverage.

The utility of cryptocurrency for these attacks has even led to non-cryptocurrency holders having ransoms demanded in bitcoin. Nancy Guthrie, mother of TODAY Show host Savannah Guthrie, was kidnapped with attackers demanding $BTC for her release. Even your mom isn't safe from the orange coin now. Time to finally call her and tell her to secure her seed phrase—or at least stop accepting deliveries from strangers.