eToro Buys the Keyless Wallet: Now 40M Users Can Pretend They Control Their Own Crypto (Spoiler: They Still Don’t)

eToro has slapped down $70 million—mostly in cold, hard cash, not some cursed meme token—to buy Zengo, the self-custodial wallet that somehow convinced people “keyless” means “secure” instead of “please hack me.” The deal, confirmed by Bloomberg, marries eToro’s 40 million “I once clicked sign-up” users with Zengo’s multi-party computation crypto magic, which is like saying your house keys are split between three clowns riding unicycles—technically distributed, theoretically safe, but good luck explaining it at 3 a.m. when things go sideways.

Zengo’s circus act, officially known as a wallet setup, has somehow kept over 2 million individuals and businesses alive across 180+ countries since 2018—longer than most degen yield farms last, so props for that. Whether those users actually know how MPC works or just tapped “I agree” while waiting for a Starbucks refill remains an open question.

“We believe the future of finance will be increasingly digital, decentralized, and user-controlled, with self-custody playing an important role in that evolution,” said eToro co-founder and CEO Yoni Assia, probably while sipping mineral water in a boardroom with no Wi-Fi. “Zengo has built an innovative and secure wallet experience, and this acquisition will enable us to accelerate its growth while continuing to provide users with choice in how they access digital assets.” Translation: “We’re giving them the illusion of control so they don’t leave for a real wallet.”

He added: “As we often say, crypto downtimes are the time to build, and this acquisition reflects that long-term approach.” Sure, Yoni. While the rest of us were busy watching our net worth evaporate, you were out acquiring startups like it’s a game of crypto Monopoly. Respect.

Commodity trading still pays the bills at eToro, making up 60% of its trading commissions by asset class as of Q1 2026—because apparently people still think gold futures are “degen.” Trading volumes nearly quadrupled year over year, which sounds impressive until you realize it might just mean more normies chasing margin calls.

Zengo, the digital prodigy in this soap opera, raised $20 million in a Series A back in 2021 (total raised: $24 million, per Crunchbase), with investors including Insight Partners and—wait for it—Tether. Yes, that Tether. The company that makes “backed” a punchline. It also swallowed Minke, a stablecoin-focused wallet, because nothing says “trust me” like consolidating assets that are already pegged to the financial apocalypse.

eToro shares popped over 6% on Wednesday, recently dancing at $36.80, and are up a cool 18% in the past week. The rally isn’t due to profits or innovation, mind you, but because the entire crypto sector is bouncing like a rubber ball dropped in a bull market echo chamber. When Bitcoin farts, eToro’s stock catches the scent and runs.

Back in 2024, eToro settled SEC charges for running an unregistered broker and clearinghouse for crypto assets—because who needs paperwork when you’ve got momentum? As part of the deal, U.S. traders now get to choose from exactly three cryptos: Bitcoin, Ethereum, and Bitcoin Cash. It’s like a sad crypto Happy Meal. Since then, the menu’s expanded under President Trump’s suddenly crypto-loving regulatory climate, because apparently deregulation is the only policy that moves at light speed.

Meanwhile